i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Two words: blizzard sex
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
