i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I love you.
Bad choice
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
