I swear she didn't look like that last week.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
