Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
