never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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