I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
