somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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