If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
