when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
