Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
