Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
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doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
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please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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