The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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