Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
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My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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