walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
