Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
