After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I have surprise drugs for everyone
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Randomize
