I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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