Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
