I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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