is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Hippo gnu deer
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Randomize
