I puked a lego.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
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