Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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