he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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