I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
This baby is an asshole
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
