i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
