you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
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After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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