Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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