3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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