I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Randomize
