yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
