Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
