If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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