the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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