if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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