I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
