I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
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I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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