I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
