I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
