Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
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Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
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She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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