Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
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