idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
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