I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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