Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
The Olympian is in my bed
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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