Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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