Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
