I seem to have left my pride at pride
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize