Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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