I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
