I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Are we still banned from the library?
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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