If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
