My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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