yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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