i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
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