she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
