oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
