There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
