nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
