Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
